im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
