we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
