I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
