6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
