I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
