I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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