went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
