Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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