A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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