he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
