THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
