I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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