I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
