You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
