areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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