My first STD was from a foam party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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