I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
