I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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