Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
