peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
