My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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