I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
