i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
time to smoke my breakfast
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry about my life...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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