Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's just like the Real World with babies
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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