Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
YAS. BRING CRAB.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
