I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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