Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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