she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
