I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
