there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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