At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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