Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
