My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
