This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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