So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
