I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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