I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
