you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
