I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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