Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
