The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
