The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
