she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
