it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
