I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
