i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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