But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
