Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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