my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
