How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
