Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
